Just Because

Hopeful

I can't believe it. I am so amazed. I was in Orlando in Oct. with my daughter, my mom, and my step dad we were at the Obama and Hillary rally in Orlando with so much hope and belief that this day could actually be possible. I didn't believe that we would actually get here, I was pessimistic... I thought that once again the vision of the same would defeat the vision of hope and change.

I watched today proudly.Obama's speech brought tears to my eyes, as I watched with my 7 month old daughter, I can now tell her she was there when the first African American took office, we were at the rally before the vote, and we voted together.

I feel inspired, and hopeful and if you know me at all, it takes a lot for me to feel that way. On this day I am proud to call myself an American. The next 4 years won't be easy but at least there will be a man in power who is young, and truly wants to inspire America to be the best that it can.

What was I thinking?

I am back in school AGAIN. What was I thinking? I am trying to write a paper, which frankly I could care less about... I need some type of motivation. Could it be Sienna, or my dear husband? Or the fact that I will feel accomplished and have more career opportunities? I hate getting back into the groove of writing papers, studying, reading, and constantly having classes on the brain. So why did I go back to school you ask? Because I will forever be non committal on choosing a career... permanence of a "job" is scary to me. I am not one that handles "the same" all the time for the next 30 years very well. I love the health care industry but it BURNS you out, unless you work in a doctor's office then it becomes extremely BORING. So what's a gal to do? I thought about teaching, getting a master's and becoming a Nurse Practitioner, maybe psychology.. but who wants to listen to people whine all day...

I am just bitching right now, throwing a tantrum like a 6 year old child who just has to have that toy on the shelf. I will stop procrastinating and write the paper, read the chapters, and get an A in all my classes like always... but for tonight, I am throwing up my hands, stomping my feet and protesting myself! Just choose a career and be happy!! It seems everyone else can do it so why can't I??

Gymboree and Stuff

Sienna and I went to a stage 2 (6 months up to 10 months) gymboree class today. She had a blast, I was nervous that she would hear the loud lady singing, or the crazy 11 month old screaming, look at me and start screaming to get the heck out of there! Much to my surprise she loved it, I mean she crawled through all the tunnels, climbed the stairs, laughed when the instructor sang and danced, and loved seeing other little people just like her. Please excuse my bad grammar and punctuations which is the least of my concern especially since this semester all I will be doing is writing paper after paper the last thing I want to do now is worry about my blog being perfect!

I had an moment in the gymboree class when I looked around at all the parents and thought just for a minute "Wow, this is really my life now" It's all about Sienna as I am sure you can tell from my blog..... oops.

Well Sienna did great and it is now a weekly routine every Thursday. Taking classes and being a mom is tough, the only time to really get anything done is when she's asleep, and going to bed "early" is out of the question anymore... so late nights and early mornings are my life for the next 16weeks! What fun!!

Sienna's New Trick

So, I woke up at 3 am to Sienna laughing away on the baby monitor, I went in her room and to my surprise she was standing up in her crib. It is pitch black in her room so when I turned the light on, I about had a heart attack to find her in that position! Of course, my husband is out of town, so I don't have any clue on how to lower the crib.... guess I should google it!

Now this is all she wants to do, this is how I found her after her morning nap, thankfully I had the video camara prepared in my hand and ready to go just in case I needed it!

When my husband took his new job we new traveling would be part of the package. The first month he was gone every week.. it was an adjustment, but we just kept reminding ourselves of the "bigger" picture. Then after that first month he worked remotely from home for about 2-3 months. We were both shocked and amazed that we weren't at each others throats 24/7. It wasn't too bad having him here all the time, he got to see Sienna a lot more, and he was here to help me when I needed it.

Those days are gone, he is gone this week and looks like his next client he is working for is a pretty big job and he will be gone for what looks like a lot in the months to come. I am back in school and fortunate enough not to be working right now. I can't tell you the respect I have gained for single working moms. Being with Sienna 24/7 is wonderful, but I no longer have anyone to help me, just take her for 5 minutes so I can have a break, and not worry about her crawling on the tile and hitting her head.

I just wanted to write this and express how much admiration I have for women who do it all on their own. Work, raise a child, pay their bills with no outside help. It is a thankless job being a mom sometimes, but if you are a single parent it is truely a thankless job because no one is there to tell you thank you for whatever it is you do that day.

I can't imagine life without my husband in it, and wouldn't even want to. So I want to say thankyou to Phillip for his love and support, and always there when I need him. He works hard as a data consultant and he provides very well for his family (while his non-committal wife works on yet another degree).

Somehow I lost myself?

When did this happen to me??

Who would have thought that my daily concerns would ever be, how many times did Sienna poop, what color were they, hard of soft? When the moment came and she rolled over, the excitement that took over my mind and body was as if I just bought a brand new home or got a masters degree.... I always wondered why my friends with children were so "consumed" with talking about their kids achievements, I swore I would never be that person.

Have I become "uncool"? I remember when going to the beach to go surfing and have some afternoon drinks was the best way to spend a Saturday... every month going to a concert or traveling to the keys was the way to live it up... Now it's become a world of what family member will we spend time with, let's go to the park, is Sienna having a good day or bad day... "look at what Sienna did today" our lives have become all about this precious gift... I don't even remember the last time I went out for a girls night out, a pedicure, to a Magic game, watched my favorite college football team for an entire game, bought something just for me... and what boggles my mind the most is that I don't care.

When did this happen to me? Somewhere between the beginning of the pregnancy up to now, I have lost myself to this baby girl.... I have slowly begun to see it, now that the around the clock middle of the night breast feedings have come to an end, the crying spells in the the afternoon have turned to spells of laughter and play time, the not being able to go anywhere without her because breastfed babies feed every 2 hours... and now that she is on solids and can drink from a cup leaving her with my husband to go grocery shopping or run errands isn't impossible. She consumes my daily thoughts and I wouldn't change it for the world.. but I can't lose my identity, I won't allow this to happen to me. I have to still manage to be me and a mom, not just a mom.

I feel much better putting this out into the world, now I have written it, I know what to do. I will be the best mom, wife, daughter but I will not lose that individuality that I gained in my 30 years of life... I will vow to still travel, it will be different, but it must be done. I will still go to concerts and scope out the basement bands at our favorite hole in the wall bar... I will still find me time with my girlfriends and while doing all of those things I know all the while Sienna will be in my head, she is my first thought in the morning and my last thought before bed and I wouldn't change it for all the great waves to catch, trips to Europe, or all the money in the world.